How often do you find yourself staring at the window in your room? In my case, it’s 24 x 7. Those bars on my window tease me for the lack of freedom I hold. The way I sit near it as if my life depends on it. I want to escape but can’t. People travel through door to door but I’m a window lover. It has a frame and depicts as a picture to me. a photo of how an un-trapped world seem like. The door in my room is not much of a fancy for me because it leads to the family room and that’s where my trap begins.
I live in a house of people where ‘family’ is just a word and not an emotion. I wish to, need to, want to, desire to escape. And in such a way that I don’t leave a trail behind for others to track. A feeling from inside to just vanish for everyone who knows me and start a new way of living. To run away to a beach-side country where I can see the expanse of crystal clear water with no boundaries or to a high mountain to glance at the endless land of fortune. I wish I had those ‘anywhere doors’ which can give me access to everywhere across the universe.
Not even home but my high school feels like a prison too. Like today I remember, my teacher asked me question and trust me guys the whole class was staring at me. Probably they haven’t even heard my voice because I’m like an anonymous student who only occupies that one last bench in class and don’t let anyone see me. I have zero contribution in any of the class activities and no interaction with anyone. Just keeping things to myself. But today when everyone stared at me, I felt like ‘That’s it, let’s bury a hole ten thousand feet below sea level and hibernate in it forever.” The main problem arose when I didn’t know the answer. I was confused how to respond. A stroke of panic started to generate in me and I could feel my forehead getting wet. I looked down at my notebook, scribbled some numbers and spoke. I didn’t even know what I said but I do know that the teacher just turned to the board and I guess wrote the same number that I said. the class then turned to look forward and I heard some whispers. They must be thinking ‘did she knew the right answer?’ or ‘how can someone be so weird!’ or even worse….. ‘who is she?’
I want to escape such situations and want to live my life freely. Even if anyone doesn’t know me but I don’t wanna be in constant attention of someone. It’s like you are being monitored, you are being judged and joked at, laughed at. Like you don’t have your own place to be in. INVASION OF PRIVACY is what I call it. Cutting of those wings that didn’t really exist.
How I wish I had courage to overcome any such obstacle? It’s not like that I’m depressed or angry at anyone. I’m just sad at how life laughs at me. The way it teases me by showing paths on which I can never walk on. The way it shows me string-less things to motivate but don’t tell me how to cut my own ones. Life is mean to me. Very mean. I don’t wanna end it, neither wanna continue. Just pause the beautiful moments and rewind the memories. Stop the sorrow and fast forward the bad situations. I wish I held it’s remote to control but for that, all I need to do is hold on, ’cause later on, I will realize that it was worth it.