What I Fear The Most

By Ellie Lois Jacobs , England

 I wrote this at a time where I genuinely felt like my life was slowly losing it’s meaning. I just didn’t see the point in living.. to be blunt. I felt this crushing sense of loneliness because nobody knew or understood what I was going through. I’d pushed away all my friends and family and was barely leaving my house. I wasn’t taking care of myself and just felt defeated.

I remember writing this after spending the day babysitting my niece, she’d recently learnt how to walk and I’d finally seen her do it. I was so proud of her that for a second i’d forgotten why I felt my life was so terrible… Then my family came home and it was time to eat dinner.. and I was back in my own personal nightmare.

There are some moments in my life where it feels like everything bad just pauses for a second or two; and I feel this overwhelming gust of happiness. It feels like every negative emotion leaves my body and I’m filled head to toe with an overriding amount of joy. I guess in simple terms it feels like my life is worth living again. The best part about this feeling though is not so much the happiness, but the fact the people I love the most bring it out of me. And in this second I feel loved. In this second I can take on the world. In this second I’m me again, and it’s like magic.

But then my second ends.

And I crash back down again.

Every single negative emotion hits me, flooding my insides until I can no longer breathe. And I long so desperately to get that second back, to feel happy and free again. But it’s gone. And I’m suffocating in guilt because how dare I let myself feel that happy again. Once my second runs out I’m lost again, alone again, scared again. And I spend every single minute after it begging for the happiness to come back… but it never does.

Each time my second runs out I’m left emptier than the last, and sooner or later these seconds will no longer make up for the minutes after. And this is what I fear the most.