When I Say I Love You More…

By Lelia Pagan, United States

 I’m the luckiest girl in the world. Let me tell you why.

Mary Wells said it best, when she sang “My Guy”:

 “As a matter of opinion I think he’s tops, my opinion is he’s the cream of the crop; as a matter of taste to be exact he’s my ideal as a matter of fact…He may not be a movie star, but when it comes to bein’ happy we are.”
Except, I don’t think it’s just my opinion; I think it’s the absolute truth. I see my guy in ways that you may not, but I think you’d agree that he is not average. It’s one of my favorite things about this man.

“Appreciate the people who tell you what you need to hear rather than what you want to hear. The ones who challenge your comfort zone with a different kind of clarity. This fierce type of love plants forests of new freedom and fresh air.” (Victoria Erickson)

 Let me tell you a little bit more about him. He is a hard worker, a good son, a generous and loyal friend, an animal lover…his sign is Cancer; he looks like Abraham Lincoln. His favorite color is blue; he’s a mechanic, a conservative, and a nerd, though you’d never know it by looking at him.


 He’s also a Mama’s boy…this Mama raised the man of my dreams; he treats me like a princess, because he was raised by a queen, to whom I am forever grateful. He’s strong, sexy, and sweet. My guy is good at anything he puts his mind to, he values family, and has an incredible sense of empathy and generosity. He’s my superhero. He knows what I need before I need it, is insanely affectionate, passionate, and supportive. He is proud of my success, he gets crabby when I’m not around, and he unveils my beauty like the moon unveils the darkness. He reminds me that I’m strong, amazing, and beautiful. He is fierce, fearless, and fantastic…fantastic in all the definitions of the word, but specifically, as though he is a fantasy…except, he’s totally real and completely extraordinary.

 It’s not all good. I mean, nobody is perfect, of course. He can be impatient (not that I have any room to talk); his self-confidence may border on egoism, but he’s also so altruistic, it balances out. His self-reliance and kind heart has kept him alive and functioning. He’s intolerant of certain things, some things that I don’t understand, but who’s not? I get frustrated…I won’t lie. But we’re learning each other. “To know someone deeply is to know a universe contained in skin.” It’s exciting to experience that, and honestly, it feels like we are never not laughing with each other. That’s goodness.

 He’s been burned. I don’t know all the details, but I don’t need to. I know that everything he has dealt with in his life, as far as I’m concerned, has led him to me. I hate that he’s had to suffer through struggle and pain and heartbreak, but no more. I’m his girl. And to those who hurt him, I say thank you. He’s come through on the other side and has the most amazing soulmate b/c of it. (That’s me! I’m pretty awesome. Humble too.)
*Everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my relationships, my regrets: everything. And when we’re together, my past seems worth it, because if I had done one thing differently, I might never have met you.*

 Everybody loves the Pina Colada song, a love story with a twist. I never put too much thought into the song, until I fell in love with my Travis. It came on the radio one day when I was alone in the car, and of course, I sang along. When it got to “So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place. I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face,” a thought hit me: Travis and I are so in tune with each other, that even if, god-forbid, we found ourselves looking for someone else, our chemistry is so deep and intense, we’d just end up finding each other instead. That thought made me smile. Having that type of connection with someone is rare and precious….and we are lucky to have it. It’s beautifully surreal.


I’ve never truly known this kind of freedom and love and chemistry and connection. It’s incredible and I’m so insanely happy. He’s been my catalyst for a healthier mentality and lifestyle. I’ve made some decisions and implemented healthy habits that I would never have been able to do or keep doing on my own.

 “Real love transcends the material plane; no matter if your bodies are apart, your souls will be forever connected. Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes, b/c for those who love with heart and soul, there is no such thing as separation.”

 I am safe, because I am grounded. We have a solid foundation together.
I accept my feelings, and that they are fleeting. We create an incredible amount of positivity between us.
I am capable, willing, and ready to do anything I desire. We have committed to support each other.
I love and am loved avidly; suspicion is unwarranted.
I am free to express myself, because I am respected. We cultivate honesty.
I am confident in our future; my intuition is calm; we live in the present moment.
I am aware of and connected to myself, giving me the power to be aware of and connected to him. We understand each other.

 He is my soulmate.
“Soulmates aren’t the ones who make you the happiest, no. They’re instead the ones who make you feel the most, burning edges, scars, and stars. Old pangs, captivation, and beauty. Strain and shadows and worry and yearning. Sweetness and madness and dreamlike surrender. They hurl you into the abyss. They taste like hope.” (Victoria Erickson)

 He knows my happiness is my responsibility, and he continuously and passionately cultivates my wellbeing. He incites feelings: some good, some not so much…but he always captivates me. Regardless of the daily struggle he, I, or we may face, he tastes like hope. And “hope is the thing with feathers that perches on the soul and sings the tunes without the words and never stops at all.”