PTSD & FEAR GOES HAND N HAND | LIFE IS HARD BUT EASY

I apologize for not posting as of late, it’s been quite crazy for me, I have many things on my plate right now like upcoming wedding plans, an upcoming marriage, learning how to be in a relationship after 12 years of being single, my child’s father and his MOUTH ALL ON ME, all in her face and me trying not to respond and make matters worse for my daughter, concern for my mom’s well being, my younger sister’s health issues and her wanting to move here with me, my daughter and my lack of trust in her behavior, therapy sessions for PTSD MST (MILITARY SEXUAL TRAUMA), jail ministry with my church,  AND learning MY DAVID and his ways before and during our marriage. The most difficult on the list is the PTSD therapy sessions, it’s been quite a journey so far, it’s nothing I’d ever expected. It’s weird because growing up in the black community in the 60’s it was considered NOT THE THING TO DO to see a therapists, it was also considered a WHITE PEOPLE THING and totally not an option for black people, we (black people), are told to take our cares to The Lord Jesus Christ, and your church pastor, they’re the only ones who could help, so I tried it BUT not whole heartedly and to my surprise it didn’t work so now I must take a different approach to addressing my past hurts and betrayals.

The VA has come a long way addressing the issue of PTSD in the military for both men and women over the years, women are finally opening up and telling someone about their military sexual trauma (myself included) and I’m glad to finally be done with it and the fear, shame, embarrassment, and pain associated with this SICKENING ISSUE. Although I’m facing this issue, I must admit, I’M SCARED TO DEATH on the inside, over the years I’ve pushed the encounters in the back of my mind amongst the CRAP WITH MY DAD AND UNCLE, vowing not to think of nor mention it again, but in reality I realize in order to really, truly be free from pasts hurts you must have the courage to face the pain that comes along with it HEAD FIRST and HEAD STRONG.

I was sexually assaulted by my basic training drill sergeant while on a weekend pass on two separate occasions, I’m having issues with remembering the actual sex part because I zoned out into NUMBVILLE the entire time, I remember being at the hotel with others partying in and out of our 4 rented adjacent rooms, everyone was drinking but me, I always hated alcohol since I grew up around it on my dad’s side of the family and saw first hand how it ruined many lives in my family and my grandfather’s friend’s families as well. I remember drill sergeant appearing out of the blue checking on us making sure we were okay so once we all spoke to him he pulled me to the side to discuss the next days plans so as we walked down the balcony and eventually to a room he’d rented downstairs I sat at the foot of the bed as we continued to discuss the platoon. He suddenly began rubbing my shoulders and arms before lying me down on the bed to begin taking off my clothes, I ZONED OUT INTO NUMBVILLE from that point on until I remembered riding the train back to the barracks from New York to New Jersey where I was stationed.

My therapists say the reason I can’t remember the act itself is because over time I’ve mastered the art of dissociation which means my mind tuned out to the point to where it refused to allow the memory to be etched in stone to where I can recall it at a later time. On one hand I’m frustrated that I can’t remember, but on the other I’m relieved because FEAR HAS REARED ITS UGLY HEAD and at the moment I’m enjoying livin’ in fear about my assault, it’s COMFORTABLE, it’s FAMILIAR, I’VE ALWAYS LIKED FAMILIAR AND COMFORTABLE HOW ABOUT YOU? I know fear is an unhealthy emotion I’m not  fearful normally, I’m bold, honest, and somewhat fearful or so I thought but now this assault has me living outside myself and I’m going to take control of it and TAKE BACK MY LIFE WITH THE HELP OF JESUS CHRIST THROUGH HIS WORD AND PRAYER. I KNOW HE’LL MAKE ME WHOLE ONCE AGAIN!!

I will continue to process this encounter and contemplate my next move in getting over the pain while continuing therapy, I recommend therapy to all who need help from their past traumatic experiences it is helping me and I pray it will help you. My David is still just as patient with me as ever, he’s so supportive and loving to me, he’s been my rock during all of this. He loves me, there’s no doubt about it, he’s loving me when I’m at my worse, I have been TRIPPIN STRAIGHT OFF THE PLANET emotionally and he’s been suffering MY REPERCUSSIONS but he’s still here, he says he’s not going anywhere, WE ARE HUSBAND AND WIFE BEFORE WE BECOME HUSBAND AND WIFE. I’M LOVING HIM MORE EACH DAY THANK YOU JESUS.

Lord, I thank you for the skills you’ve given therapists to help us become free from  emotional bondage, I pray for the strength to get through each session with a little less pain so that I can continue to feel love in the way you made it be, let the words of my mouth and the meditation in my heart be acceptable in thy sight oh Lord my strength and my redeemer. Thank you for MY DAVID FINDING ME HIS WIFE AND FINDING FAVOR IN YOUR SIGHT. We honor you in our relationship daily by not having sex until we’re married, thank you for self-control, wisdom, respect, and most of all TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IN JESUS’ NAME I PRAY. AMEN

If any of you need therapy I suggest therapists, especially in the black community, my people please take advantage of this service, it will help you, IT DOES ME. BE BLESSED TODAY AND ALWAYS MY PEEPS MUCH LOVE

By MARIE, USA

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