“A doormat is an inanimate object. You can wipe your feet on it. Step on it, kick it around, or whatever you like. It has no will of its own. It can be your servant but not your lover“.
“She is meant to serve me. Be at my beck and call. That’s why she’s my wife. She should wait on me hand and foot. She’s to warm my bed and make babies for me. What else was she created for?” I heard a man say on the bus yesterday to his friend, as I journeyed home from work.
A wise man once said, “show me your friend and I will tell you who you are and what you will be”. I couldn’t agree any less. This old fray man said this crackpot words to his friend on the bus yesterday and the friend couldn’t discourage him. He obliged him to do more and put her in her place if she doesn’t oblige.
I was completely overwhelmed and wondered how someone could be so myopic in his thinking in this age and time. Who on earth raised him? I kept screaming inside of me, “She is your lover, not your doormat!”. I could sense the disgust on the faces of some of the commuters but none could interfere.
You see in Lagos, Nigeria, you have to learn to mind your own business, to avoid buying markets that you can not sell. Unless the environment is enabling, otherwise keep still or better yet walk away. Some kept sighing and others just ignored him. Me? I started writing. I decided to pour my heart out to my sheets and to my amazing fans.
The incident took me down memory lane when I heard a young woman say to me during counseling.” I have served him for eight years. I have waited for him hand and foot. I have automatically been his doormat and yet he ignores me. He humiliates me at any given time and in front of anyone. He hits me. I wish I can hate him, but instead, I love him more”.
How do you thrive in a violent environment I asked her? Any act of service performed in a hostile environment isn’t love or expression of love. They are done out of fear, guilt, and resentment. Thereby giving the abuser the right to manipulate and victimize you. Need I say, you become a walking ticking time bomb waiting to explode.
Sadly, the explosions come rather too late after much damage has been done and not many recover from the aftermath of the explosions. We may allow ourselves to be used, but we are in fact creatures of emotions, thoughts, and desires. And we have the ability to make decisions and take actions.
Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. In fact, it is an act of treason. You are giving the abuser the right to develop more dangerous and inhumane habits, that will not only be carried out on you but on innocent people as well.
When we treat our spouse as objects, we preclude the possibility of love. Manipulation by guilt that says, “if you’re a spouse, you would do this for me”) is not love. And coercion by fear that says, ” you either do this for me or you will be sorry”, isn’t love either. Please let’s stop getting it twisted.
Folks, it’s time we woke up and understand that love and violence aren’t related. One is not a prerequisite of the other. Love shouldn’t hurt. Love isn’t self-serving, selfish, violent or abusive. Never give anyone the right to belittle you because you love them. Once you notice any of these traits in your relationship, please examine the love he says he has for you and the love you also think you have for him.
True love says, “I love you too much to treat you wrong”. Never forget that!
Peace and Love
Photo Credit: Google Pics