Living in Numbville as an incest survivor | Life is Hard

Once you been victimized it is something you will never forget regardless of how much time has passed since the incident, my uncle began molesting me he would make us play hide and go seek so on this particular day I made the mistake of hiding under one of the beds and when he found me he began pulling my panties down and touching me in my vagina, I remember trying to be as still as possible while silently crying the whole time he was touching me (which seemed like forever) he acted as if what he was doing was okay but it wasn’t, I was only 9 years old when this happened, what could I say or do, my uncle was our babysitter during the summer since all my our parents worked. He touched me many times I’ve lost count I began to be scared to see him or be around him because I was mad at him for molesting me. The rage and anger revere it’s ugly head at times especially when I hear about a child being hurt on the news, a movie, whatever I’m constantly reminded of this horrible time in my life. My dad continued where my uncle left off, the only difference was my dad having full-blown sex with me.

There were all kinds of feelings and emotions going through me the first time my dad molested me, I felt like I was DIRTY, NASTY, YUKKY, DISGUSTING, THE WORST THING ON THE BOTTOM OF A SHOE OR IN ALL OF THE WORLDS LANDFILLS COMBINED, I was frozen in fear to where I couldn’t move let alone push him off of me so I just stayed still just like before when my uncle was touching me. I was crying silently, I cringed from head to toe through to my bones with every touch of his hands or mouth. NAUSEA, HATE, ANGER, RAGE, has taken over me I thought this mess would never end and with every stroke, I began to withdraw inside of myself in order to cope with what was going on, my mind is racing, what am I to do? Who am I to tell? Who will believe me if I say something? what will people think about me when they find out? what will my family think about me? what will my school mates think of me? Will they laugh and tease me? These are the types of questions that were running through my mind.

I was ASHAMED AND EMBARRASSED because I allowed them to do it and kept silent about it the entire time I felt like it was ALL MY FAULT, I CAUSED IT BY BEING “FAST” (TODAY ITS CALLED BEING A THOT) I internalized it all blaming myself instead of the real culprit MY DAD & UNCLE. These many years later I have forgiven both of them, they’re both deceased and I’m thankful to God that I was able to make peace with them years before they both died. I know they regretted doing what they did, molestation is such a taboo in the black community and the church I didn’t think anyone would believe me so I said NOTHING. I’m still dealing with the anger, at times I can blow up at a person not realizing the root behind the anger, I know it all stems from the suppressing of it over the years so I want and need to be set free from said anger and the only way I can do that is to TALK ABOUT IT, share my experiences and struggles with those MEN AND WOMEN who have been or continue to be violated in the worst way imaginable.

I want them to know that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, please don’t blame yourself, place the blame where it belongs and seek the Lord’s help in the healing process. I know it will work, He’s never failed me and He will not fail you. I’m still healing from the pains of my past and I’m looking forward to the day when I’M COMPLETELY HEALED. THANK YOU, LORD, FOR HEALING ME.

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