It’s happening again.
I’m back at school and things are still the same. The last time I went there was when I graduated and went rushing back and forth to complete the requirements to get into the program that can make me free of tuition fees for university but to work at there as an exchange. I was pretty excited because it’s a big opportunity, even though it’s gonna be tough, but I know I have to be tough too. So I think it’s gonna be a fair game. I waited for a month and I never received a call. I was already feeling terrible because so far, that’s the only plan that I have for my education. I was busy with my family bondings and was able to forget my university plans. I was out for two weeks and a half and after my vacation, I went back to school and went straight to the office to ask how is the program going. It was bad news.
“We have already chosen students who are accepted in the program. If you’re not accepted, then maybe you have to wait for the next semester, depending on if there are officers who are in need of working students.”
It was a big sorrow for me. I didn’t feel like going back to school anymore. I was angry, I was sad, I was frustrated.
I decided to visit the church. I need some space. I wanted the distance. As I found a seat, I broke down in big tears as my thoughts began to whirl around like a tornado.
Is the university really for me? Or is the problem within me? Did I submit very late? Is the course I’m taking, wrong? I don’t know what to do… I don’t know where I’m going…
As I sat in the pew and cried. I have so many plans in my life and I can’t bear this one problem. I need to get into university to help my parents get out of poverty and at least be able to have a good profession.
University means a lot to me. I know that I am not an outstanding student and I don’t have an average of 90+ but I enjoy learning although sometimes I get lazy. I even managed to get into research studies and outputs without a laptop and just go into Internet cafes till 2 am and worse if there are creepy guys outside the area. I am glad I survived that. Without that certain material throughout my high school life was definitely challenging, but I made it. As I look back on it, I don’t exactly know how I made it but I did. I always think that if you enjoy doing such things, you’ll not easily get tired of it.
I was at the church for an hour and I was feeling better. I gained the strength and motivation to do more and to be patient. As I went to my mother’s office, I was really quiet. I didn’t say anything, I just sat down and fell to sleep.
My mother suffered from a Steven Johnson’s Syndrome 9 years ago and it brought such damage to her, she cannot cry because her tear glands were badly damaged. My father is a retired employee and is suffering from diabetes. Most of my parent’s money goes to their medical needs and what is left for me are the little amount they can give. My mom would usually borrow money to pay my education fees and if she cannot have that money, she cries and beg people to allow her brow and I really hate that. I always feel so helpless. And I feel bad because there are certain things I want to ask for them and I know they cannot provide.
I have tried putting up a business, but I always can’t manage them well because I lack the time and most of the time, my earnings are spent to help my family. I also decided to find a job even I was paid very small. $4 for 10 hours was so bad and couldn’t really make me leave, but I still took the opportunity rather than have nothing at all. I tried to work for a week, but I couldn’t bear the stress I have in mind with school and the workplace.
Recently, My teacher offered me a full scholarship and I was in big joy to go and apply for it. So I went back to school again and asked to see what to do with the application and sadly, again, it happened.
“The submission of the academic scholarship is already done.”
Sadness filled my face and I was seeing old classmates busy preparing for their enrollment and showing off their new IDs. I wasn’t jealous. I was just sad for myself because I might not be able to reach my dreams just like they have achieved theirs.
I just want to live a comfortable life. To be able to establish something and to help my parents, although my mom would scold me a lot. I know she’s just stressed with our life and she would vent on me or my dad. My parents always fight and they rarely talk.
I know life is unfair and these problems can just be the tiniest problem I’ll encounter in my whole life.
For now, I am just typing this story and trying to calm down.
I need a fresh start after I quit my job and now not being able to get into university. I am totally miserable at the moment.
I know I have to take things to step by step. I need more patience and critical thinking. Positivity will always kill negativity.
And another thing, people sometimes do send me a DM after me, telling them my life problems and they react weirdly like… “How can you be poor if you’re having good photos on Instagram?”
—“ I’m a low key traveler plus I enjoy staying at home most of the time and I enjoy taking photos. And if you really enjoy taking photos and watch a lot of photography videos on YouTube, then you’ll learn how to take good photos in very low budget. It’s just making use of your resources. That requires contentment and dedication”.
You will prosper if you don’t drag people down and by not being fake. Keep everything real and your life will go smoothly even if “real” is hard.
“It’s life! It’s always hard! If life was all easy, it’s gonna be very boring”
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