“I lost myself in the process”
There are a lot of people asking me why I’m always happy and looks like I don’t carry any burden in life. But honestly, they don’t know how much I’m trying right now to save myself. They don’t have any idea how many times I cried in silence and the only witness to that are the four corners of my rooms, my pillow since birth, my stuffed toy named ulap, my blanket and bed. They don’t know that I suffer in silence.
Every single day since I felt like I’m losing myself as night starts to set. The pain began to hit me directly to my chest and the only thing I do is to scream without any sound. I think that is more painful than crying with someone by your side. With someone who will listen to your endless rants and bizarre stories that makes your life miserable.
There were days that I don’t want to talk to anyone because I’m afraid.
I’m afraid that if I opened up myself to anyone they will not understand me and they will criticize me.
I’m afraid that if I tell them how my soul suffocates me, they will just pull me down instead of lifting me up.
It’s hard to fight and save yourself from drowning but what like they said,
“At the end of the day, no one will save you but yourself only”
And I felt how unfair that phrase is.
Life is very real
There were times that we feel like we are okay
We are fine
But sometimes, it is undeniably unpredictable
Because in a one snap
Sadness overcomes happiness
That’s real quick kind of reality
Before, I don’t care about what people say
About what will happen in the future
It doesn’t bother me that much until one day, change immediately occurs. One day, I woke up and cried all day without knowing the reasons at all.
I never knew exactly why I broke down that time. The only thing I knew is, I AM NOT OKAY.
There were days that I don’t feel physically tired but mentally, spiritually and emotionally tired. It’s too hard to admit to myself that I am in that situation because I know to myself how vigilant and dauntless I am. I never get tired to continue loving life and looking for reasons to cover up my sadness. Until I realized that there’s something missing in my aspects of life.
One day, I got all the answers to my questions. To my “why’s”, to my “what is happening to me”. I don’t want to blame anyone because it is not right but I knew where and when it all started. All the memories flashback, an incident almost 2 years ago.
It all started when someone told me I will never pass the BAR examination.
Since that day, I started losing myself.
I started to distance myself from anyone
Because I feel like I’m a failure.
Since that day, I questioned my capabilities and credibilities. Maybe I am not that too smart, I had countless failed recitations and exams. But I know to myself that I can do it.
I never forget that day because it was the reason why I always feel like nobody. I’m afraid of failing in academics because if I do so, I don’t just fail as a student but also as a friend, sister, and daughter. I don’t know when, where and how to start from drowning. I do really want to be okay and save myself from this shit inside me.
People will not know how distracted, stressed, miserable you are, and other feelings that characterized depression. It’s too hard to pretend that everything is on the right track. It’s not easy to show what you truly feel in this world full of judgmental. I’m looking forward to a world that is so kind and know how to listen first before criticizing someone.
Perhaps, this shit inside me will be healed and no matter how much it strikes me over and over again, I will keep on fighting and continue loving life. I lost myself once and I will never allow it to happen again. There’s no room for it anymore.
Now I can say that,
“I finally found myself from being lost”
By Jane Kirsty Jazmin, Philippines