Dysfunctional bonds of a lost childhood

By Kelly Bristow , England
Dysfunctional bonds of a lost childhood

Mainstream media has highlighted a rise in domestic abuse and child abused victims, this means that there is also a great deal of trauma induced imprinting occurring, which may be conscious and unconscious, indicating a surge of 'disordered' perpetrators, victims and children, who may get lost in the system! The dysfunction in domestic violence stretches out across the disability sector, which includes disability, dysfunction and disadvantage. All three components of occupational science are embedded into this one sector of society. Within this sector, are some of the main disabilities in society. TBI, PTSD, C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, personality disorders, rape, Autism, Asperger’s and ADHD. Abuse incorporates, physical, mental, psychological, social, spiritual and emotional health. Abuse affects everything in the developing child.

Trauma bonding - The trauma, is the glue that binds the two to dance!

Opposites attract and like attracts like! How, by the trauma imprinting they had as a child and have subsequently forgotten, buried or repressed deeply in the sub conscious. The common term for battered spouses is co-dependency! Which is completely wrong, as the term implies that all spouses of rapists, paedophiles, psychopaths and murderers are enablers and adds to the voices of people who believe a child of 7 is responsible for rape! My point is, this epidemic is convoluted with insidious and sinister motives, it is not a simple as a black eye, It's far worse! I was strangled with straightening cords, and this had a detrimental impact on my health. my ear drum perforated from the strain. These men don't strangle you to kill you, they strangle you to let you know they CAN, should you disobey, object or say no!

When you repress a powerful trauma, it takes great energy to keep that trauma hidden. The fragile or injured psyche will be vulnerable and weary. Talking or writing, is a powerful strategy to help overcome the trauma. Talk - It's better out, than in!

I befriended lots of women, and I was surprised at the statistics regarding domestic abuse and its direct correlation to autism! Many women I spoke with, has a child with autism and an ex who was abusive and lacked empathy! I'm not saying all abused victims have autistic children, it just happens that all the people I spoke with, did. Does this example demonstrate a genetic link to Asperger’s and domestic violence? After all, this condition does have limited capacity to empathise with another. The sample highlighted a third of victims of domestic abuse also had a child with autism, but more surprising, was a hidden pocket of victims, who after leaving abuse, developed immunology disorders, CFS, Fibromyalgia and other similar endocrine disorders. So, this led me to think, are immune disorders generated from repressed emotional traumas! Or created by shock trauma! Trauma, if denied creates an internal blockage, which impacts against the endocrine system. This is a possibility for those people suffering with neurological disorders!

Perpetrators of spouse abuse are commonly known as people with cluster B, personality disorder, when, it is a pathological version of Asperger syndrome, it gets even more difficult to manage. Let's not forget, that in the 1950's. Hans Asperger originally termed the disorder Psychopathic autism! Believe me, these men can carry out some extremely psychopathic stunts. And narcissism, is its brother! Psychopathic Autism affects a small number of the population, so not all domestic abuse is down to this condition. There are many people who have Asperger’s and don’t abuse, so the label is fluid, depending on sociology and other environmental complexes.

Abuse, assault and rape are all subjects that are completely hidden in toxic domestic relationships, as it is just thrown off as normal behaviour or 'social banter'. This is not okay. We need to bring light on these subjects and teach more people that these activities are NOT NORMAL, what chance do we have in teaching the next generation about acceptable behaviour. We need to branch out further into the community, to promote prevention of psychological trauma rather than just trying to ignore the patterns of abuse. Help the children who are affected by a dysfunctional home as opposed to ignoring their cry for help.

We need to stop labelling innocent victims with a personality disorder, just because they were in a violent relationship, or were raised in one! We also need to teach empowerment and acknowledge that people heal from this type of trauma, it doesn't have to be their identity. It isn't the end of your life, you don't need to give up and depend on pills. I didn't depend on medication, dependency on Prozac isn't the answer or cure, for emotional pain! I'm not condemning the medication, just that in my perspective medication for psychological trauma numbs you out more, the person needs talking or holistic therapy! There isn’t a magic pill to overcome emotional pain.

There are a multitude of reasons why someone's stays in a dysfunctional relationship, financial, social, cultural etc. Just as there are a multiple number of reasons why someone stays in a job when they are being abused by a co-worker, or a boss and afraid to speak up! The principle is the same fear, but we don't vilify someone because they won’t leave their job. Yet instead, we punish or condemn people with prejudice for staying with a jerk! The point is, we tend to revert the blame back to the victim, 'it's their own fault for putting up with it!' How do you leave when you are responsible for children? You can't bail out on them and leave the children with him, can you? The police will always side with the emotionally stable person, it’s like it’s all been staged and set up. The prejudice this disease contains is shocking! For victims AND perpetrators! Because both teams are victims of childhood trauma, its deeply repressed, the original cause of the wound is the glue that binds between two!

A mockery against mental illness and people who genuinely do suffer with suicidal thoughts, is being undermined and mocked by abusers, using suicide as an emotional blackmail tactic to force compliance from close family members and loved ones. This is the reality behind domestic abuse and the entanglement bonds of the damaged person. They will say and do anything, to stop you from leaving and exposing them! What becomes visible are the psychological traits - thus; abandonment and rejection which are heavily feared and fiercely controlled by the abusers, they will do and say anything, to avoid facing their own inner child and psyche complexes! Which is why they project their inner wounds out, at the said victim! This is the truth about personality disordered individuals. They cannot or will not accept they are in the wrong.

Abuse is akin to cancer, once it has formed a mass of cells, it grows and grows. The ripple effect from trauma stretches far and wide. We need to stop re-inventing the wheel around abuse experienced in childhood and start addressing the real cause of the trauma, the unconscious traumas of childhood.

What I find concerning is people are being admitted to mental health wards, for a relationship breakdown, or to try to fix a damaged relationship. With the closure of the safe houses, we can only assume that the mental health wards will begin to see more and more of these people. This is worrying!

Domestic abuse, it's far deeper and more complex than just physical evidence, bullying and controlling behaviour is psychologically driven. We must stop looking at this from a gender perspective and look at it for what it really is, abuse. And, it can affect anyone, it doesn't have to be an intimate sexual relationship for it to be classed as abuse! ABUSE knows no boundaries! Abuse has no preference for culture, religion, race or diversity! Let's stop putting different categories and labels to different abuse, it's all the same and should be labelled just that - Abuse! It cannot be stamped out, if society remains divided in what abuse means.

We must come together, as a community and as a humanity, to stand together and say no, to All Abuse. Together, we can create a safer community for our children if we start today, to say ‘stop’, there are consequences to abusive behaviour, these consequences must be enforced!

What appears to be happening is the perpetrators are the one’s getting away with their behaviour and the victims are the one’s perpetually punished.

We also need to stop victim blaming, and start seeing injuries, offer compassion rather than opinions. Empower people to face their fears. Help them to heal by just listening compassionately. Leave your prejudice’s aside and just listen! It's so powerful.

We are rich in cultures, people from different continents now share the same street, giving us a country, rich in diversity. Let's teach people to embrace understanding and see friendship, kinship, fellow citizenship in our fellow neighbours, not colour, religion, culture, political statement or otherwise. Collectively, as a service, we can help restore a broken system and repair, a fragmented and fragile humanity, a good start would be for us all to accept one another!

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